Much catching up to do
Dear John,
I have sadly neglected my end of the conversation. In the way of my people (the mentally ill), I will overcompensate today which has the tremendously beneficial side effect of allowing me to procrastinate on my school work. The current class is family therapy, the teacher is beyond un-inspirational (meaning that she not only meets, but exceeds, the low end of the scale in the end of class survey which unfortunately does not provide the option of rating her performance using negative numbers).
But I digress since before becoming inert, we were discussing viscera and vomiting. Interesting that the butterflies in the stomach can indicate impending bliss or impending doom. For me it has always been the latter. Interestingly enough, when I tried to pinpoint how I feel when anticipating something exciting, I found that the only suitable term was "impatient." I think I am afraid the anticipated thing will slip away if it does not happen right-fucking-now. It is a paradox. Anticipating something good makes me almost angry. Fear brings butterflies.
This is why I have worked so very hard to live in a state of neutrality where neither anticipation nor fear seep into my consciousness. They are allowed to stay in my sub-conscious where I keep things like old telephone numbers, slide rules*, and certain old relatives in creaky rocking chairs of whom I was not particularly fond. But the pre-frontal cortex is off-limits. This is either dysfunctional repression or a state of Zen, depending on whether you ask a psychiatrist or a Buddhist monk.
*In composing this sentence, I was forced to use Google since I could not remember if these archaic devices were called "slide rules" or "slide rulers." Oh look - a squirrel! The Museum of HP Calculators.
One love,
Carol (a.k.a. still "Not-John")
I have sadly neglected my end of the conversation. In the way of my people (the mentally ill), I will overcompensate today which has the tremendously beneficial side effect of allowing me to procrastinate on my school work. The current class is family therapy, the teacher is beyond un-inspirational (meaning that she not only meets, but exceeds, the low end of the scale in the end of class survey which unfortunately does not provide the option of rating her performance using negative numbers).
But I digress since before becoming inert, we were discussing viscera and vomiting. Interesting that the butterflies in the stomach can indicate impending bliss or impending doom. For me it has always been the latter. Interestingly enough, when I tried to pinpoint how I feel when anticipating something exciting, I found that the only suitable term was "impatient." I think I am afraid the anticipated thing will slip away if it does not happen right-fucking-now. It is a paradox. Anticipating something good makes me almost angry. Fear brings butterflies.
This is why I have worked so very hard to live in a state of neutrality where neither anticipation nor fear seep into my consciousness. They are allowed to stay in my sub-conscious where I keep things like old telephone numbers, slide rules*, and certain old relatives in creaky rocking chairs of whom I was not particularly fond. But the pre-frontal cortex is off-limits. This is either dysfunctional repression or a state of Zen, depending on whether you ask a psychiatrist or a Buddhist monk.
*In composing this sentence, I was forced to use Google since I could not remember if these archaic devices were called "slide rules" or "slide rulers." Oh look - a squirrel! The Museum of HP Calculators.
One love,
Carol (a.k.a. still "Not-John")
posted by Unknown at 12:53 PM
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