Another Crucial Year

There is no hope. People are idiots. Have a nice day. This is my current mantra, and it is comforting.

Having no hope is not the same thing as having no faith. And I don’t mean all people are idiots, just most people much of the time. Who can deny this after an honest appraisal of their own errors? Nor do I mean to say that people cannot be improved.

Having a nice day in spite of it all is the act of faith that comes to save the day. Perennially sunny optimists like Ronald Reagan have the faith.

They say that humor can make the day nicer. So instead of being drowned in darkness I will make light: Did you hear the one about the suicide car bomber?

Say the mantra and then consider this: Voting is the way we decide what we believe we should be—as a community, a county, a state, nation and a world.

To that end we are identifying the important issues. First, we will try to digest the party platforms and the philosophies of the incumbents. Then we will send a questionnaire to all the candidates.
It could go something like this:

What do you think are the issues facing voters—globally, nationally and locally? Quality of life? Separation of church and state? Adequacy of public education? Etc?

If you had to choose, would it be for more laws, or fewer laws justly and truly enforced? Would you support a constitutional amendment outlawing the practice of sneaking unrelated items into a bill?

Do you believe special interest groups should have more or less control over government?

Do you believe that historically we have been the good guys? If not, give examples. Do you believe that traditionally we should be the good guys? If so, what are the values of a good guy?

Have a nice day. I really mean it.

Ashamed To Be American

I have often suggested that we are more civilized than the people we are supposed to be liberating. Since no photos have yet surfaced of Iraqi detainees being decapitated, we may still claim that distinction—but by a margin that is shrinking rapidly.

Moslems claim that the U.S. is an empire ruled by Satan, and that our influence in the world only leads to perversion, immorality and cultural degeneracy.

I still disagree with the first proposition; if Satan champions any cause, it is that of people who cut off people’s heads while wearing masks. However, I am beginning to come around to their way of thinking on the second proposition.

Far too many Americans have been desensitized to the concept of human dignity, which is why young soldiers act like drunken dullards on Spring Break. It wasn’t so much that they were humiliating and terrorizing their prisoners—orders or no orders; it was that they were enjoying it.

As Americans we are still free to sink to the lowest common denominator of taste and sensitivity, and this is as it should be. But something has gone terribly wrong, and blame must be placed.

Therefore, I blame the influence of mass media phenomena such as MTV and Temptation Island. I blame parents for sharing the same warped values, or for failing to recognize their influence. I blame the schools, and the churches—which apparently are doing no better.

Most of all, I blame everyone who has had a hand in perpetuating the myth of American moral superiority. Slavery, disenfranchisement, assassination, genocide and persecution are part of our history. Self-righteousness, greed, rudeness and impetuosity mark our behavior. Together, history and behavior have painted for the rest of the world a portrait of our national character.

We are a nation of hypocrites and I am ashamed. And I will continue to be ashamed, at least until we have new leaders.

How to Be a Good Driver

Driving has become painfully reminiscent of Blade Runner as the number of cars on the road has surpassed drivers’ abilities to handle either the cars or the roads.

Nothing can be done to prevent population growth. Those who welcome expanding markets see it as healthy. But many who favor growth don’t talk much about the demands it makes on the infrastructure.

Road repair cannot keep up, much less road construction; both create additional hazards for drivers to negotiate. And if you plan to pull over at the sound of a siren, be ready to become a traffic hazard yourself.

Because there are far too many bad drivers on the road, defensive driving is more important than ever. Allowances must be made for tail-gaters and lane-hoppers.

Today an alarming number of drivers don’t know how to interact with their fellow drivers beyond maneuvering through a 4-way stop. They don’t let others out ahead of them in traffic, or pull forward to make space behind.

They don’t know that pedestrians always have the right of way, just as a gun is always loaded. They see bicycle riders as frustrating impediments to a successful life, rather than fellow human beings who have an equal right to the roads.

Drivers must realize that piloting an automobile is serious business. The days of the Sunday drive are gone. Driving is too challenging to be thought of as recreational. It is difficult and dangerous. Impaired judgment due to alcohol and cell phone intoxication make it even more deadly.

I plan to reduce the risks by driving as little as possible--by consolidating trips, and by finding something besides a tour of the bright city lights to treat insomnia.

More importantly, I plan to take a lesson in reverse from the road hogs. Don’t do what they do. Share. Call it common purpose or fellow feeling, an attitude of patience and courtesy is key.

Unfortunately, these virtues probably cannot be taught. Were it so, many of those who espouse the Golden Rule would practice it on the road.

I wish you good luck out there. Be careful. And be kind.

This Is Only A Test

Until recently I took less interest in politics than perhaps I should have.

A valid excuse I shared with many is that the field of candidates is narrowed considerably by the political-media process and by the narrow-mindedness of voters.

In general, the result is politicians who are so conventional as to be incapable of thinking outside the box and thus coming up with truly innovative solutions.

A more significant reason for my apathy was dissatisfaction with the political labels available, and confusion over just exactly what beliefs each of those labels required of me.

Until now.

If for no other reason than the entertainment value, go to www.theadvocates.org and take "the world’s smallest political quiz."

According to The Washington Post, "The quiz has gained respect as a valid measure of a person’s political leanings."

USA Today says the quiz "stands ready to help you determine your political identity. Quick and relatively painless."

Your answers to 10 questions with a ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ or ‘maybe’ places you on a matrix which expands the usual ‘left/liberal,’ ‘right/conservative’ spectrum with the addition of ‘authoritarian,’ ‘libertarian,’ and ‘centrist’ classifications.

You may be surprised at the results.

One friend who had always thought of herself as a bleeding-heart liberal found herself in the centrist camp.

Another spiritual flower child type was disappointed to find her left liberal leanings drifting toward the center.

An ex-marine Republican acquaintance famous for his easy-going ways was surprised to find himself in the authoritarian camp.

You don’t have to tell anybody your results, but you’ll probably want to.

Dear Feds

Please update my files with the following information:

1. I have joined the ACLU and NORML and sent money to a local mosque and will deduct these contributions from my taxes.

2. I have been to some pretty disgusting web sites since your last sweep, doing research, naturally.

3. I believe that civil disobedience is good, and that blind conformity is un-American.

4. I am convinced that the neo-cons and religious extremists are fascists.

5. I believe violence is sometimes justified, though not by us in
Iraq.

6. I attended Boys State in high school and thought it was a horrible joke.

7. I have said in private to friends already on your list that I wish someone would just shoot the son of a bitch.

8. I have masturbated my entire life.

If there is information that could get me on more of your shit lists please let me know and I will be happy to send it.

Your unruly constituent,

SSN xxx-xx-xxxx

CC: FBI, CIA, NSA, Equifax, Bank of America, Google, Yahoo, County Commissioners and City Hall

Compassion Challenged

A friend has taken to shooting birds at Hummers. He says he can’t help himself. He knows it’s an irrational reaction to a trivial irritant, but it’s the straw that breaks his back.

My straw is cell phones.

The other day in the supermarket, a young woman was steering her cart badly, blocking both aisles at the intersection of cream cheese and frozen pizzas.

When I saw that she was chattering away on a cell phone and relishing being the center of her own little cell phone universe, my mean streak made me want to slap her.

My creative streak made me want to take off my shoe and put it up to my ear and go "blah, blah, blah" to mock her, like another friend used to do.

My good streak tried to ignore her self-absorbed obliviousness, because several enlightened people say an Answer is compassion.

Unfortunately, I need a big boost in my capacity for this illusive virtue, and I’m not getting enough of it from fellow strangers in supermarkets, or from my leaders.

Imagine the Mayor has lost her job, has no money in savings, no immediate family, and only poor friends and relations. Imagine her parents were uneducated, and did not have the overachiever gene to pass on to her. Imagine, in fact, that the notion of "making your mark" was beyond their comprehension. To them, survival was success.

Could the Mayor then understand homelessness and feel compassion for the homeless? Could she then evict poor people from a trailer park for their own good because it was so far below code?

Imagine the Governor in a similar situation. And suppose his parents had not made big oil money and had no insider experience with government secrecy. Could he then truly care about maimed veterans being jerked around by the VA as usual?

I’m trying to imagine the young lady in the supermarket without a cell phone to play with. And I’m thinking she might connect with her fellow human beings—at least well enough to pay attention to her driving.

Going Overboard

America seems to be suffering from an epidemic of a shared neurosis as yet unnamed. Until a sociologist informs us otherwise let’s call it "overitis." Symptoms include gas-guzzling vehicles, Fibber McGee closets and, paradoxically, anorexia.

Often it is a relentless search for acceptance that makes us a nation of conspicuous consumers, and in the case of anorexics, non-consumers. As it always has been, we seek status and approval through achievement. And if achievement is good, overachievement is even better — even if it’s only having the most allergies in your circle.

One reason the disease of overitis is so intractable is that consumerism is fundamental to our economy. If Americans were suddenly to begin living lives of quiet satisfaction our capitalist system would crumble. Our gross national product must grow or our nation will falter; buy or die.

Another reason is that excess is rewarded in our culture, because it can set one apart from the crowd. The lifestyles of the rich and famous are admired not so much because the lives are good, but because they are unconventional. Thus we are fascinated by the most profound excess, like Michael Jackson’s plastic surgery.

Obviously, the main reason people go overboard is because they can feel superior to others, though why this overcompensation operates in so many is a mystery. Nonetheless, Type A behavior can be a social weapon to use against others under a paradigm of competition — how delicious it is to put people down for their car or their clothes. Not only are many of the perfect people educated, articulate, and enthusiastic consumers, they are also pitiable snobs.

Perhaps the deepest motivation for overdoing it is the addictive nature of overdoing it, be it an exercise-induced endorphin high or the feeling of childish abandon that accompanies free shopping with plastic. But compulsive behaviors bring comfort that is frustratingly temporary and so the cycle must continue ad infinitum.

Whatever its perverse foundation, our culture of greedy consumerism is killing the planet and overdoers are largely to blame.

As Seen On TV

TV is still mostly bad and ugly, but there is a bit of good. PBS is TV worth watching. The News Hour does in-depth analysis every night and BBC news gives a global perspective on the U.S. The British dramas are deeply satisfying, with scenery as good as the acting. The Teletubbies connect to the mind of a child they way Mr. Rogers does.

Forget about commercial television for the obvious reasons: commercials about intimate problems and the rise of reality TV.

For family fun, take the Amish to Sin City and hope bad things happen. The curious can tape "Fear Factor" and fast forward to the best (worst) parts. On one episode the challenge was to drink a shake made of maggots and live flies. The contestants really do vomit before millions.

The cable channels are just as commercial. Any day now we can expect to tune in to the History Channel for "Sex Lives of the Mysterious Mummies."

Program promotion is worse than commercials. In the middle of a movie, many channels insert obnoxious sound effects along with a distracting corner wipe to announce the next program.

The Comedy Channel is mostly adult, which means sophomoric. South Park, though sometimes disgusting, uses genuine wit to jab at stupidity and injustice.

The Sci Fi channel is a major disappointment. Instead of "Attack of the Crab Monsters" we get bad made-for-TV. Driven by programming executives, "Sci Fi Originals" are not made from screenplays; they are made from scripts.

It will only get worse. We await the coming of a new technology that promises to block commercials. In the meanwhile, utilize the mute button. Or better yet, unplug.

Watch Your Mouth

Coarse, gross, crass, indelicate, vulgar, obscene, ribald. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, these adjectives primarily describe offensive speech or writing and behavior.

Coarse implies roughness and crudeness in manners, appearance, or expression and a lack of delicacy and refinement.

Gross implies excessive behavior approaching bestiality.

Crass suggests stupidity combined with rudeness or other manifestation of lack of refinement, as in crass ignorance.

Indelicate implies immodesty, tactless behavior, or lack of taste in expression, as in an indelicate remark.

Vulgar emphasizes offensiveness to propriety and suggests commonness, boorishness and poor breeding. It is associated with the great masses of people as distinguished from the educated or cultivated classes.

Obscene strongly stresses lewdness or indecency, particularly in reference to accepted standards of morality, decency or modesty.

Ribald implies vulgar, coarse, off-color language or behavior intended to provoke laughter.

The word profanity is often applied to all these forms of improper language but, strictly speaking, to be profane is to show contempt, irreverence or abusive disrespect for sacred things by word or deed. (The term blasphemy is reserved to describe profane utterances about God.)

It is unfortunate that the "accepted standards" are changing, even among the "educated or cultivated classes." And the standards seem to be headed downward.

Still, it will always be possible to make a distinction between "classy" and "trashy." The problem is, classy can be elitist, repressive and hypocritical, while trashy can be tolerant, liberating, and genuine.

And to be honest, there is a certain farm-related vulgarity that has no equal for describing intolerable nonsense.

What Every Teen Should Know

Standardized testing be damned. In Utopia, before receiving that diploma every high school student will pass a final exam on things that really matter.

Truly educated teens would know how to grow food and flowers, cook nutritious meals, and practice personal spirituality. They would know self-defense and basic first aid like CPR. They could read a map, change a tire, jump a battery and burp a baby.

An educated teen should be able to run a computer, type by touch, balance a checkbook and defer gratification. An educated teen knows that sex isn’t everything, that nicotine is the gateway drug, and that drinking till you puke is not a good idea.

An educated teen knows that public education is not a social service; it is a government agency more like the army than the YMCA, more about testing and passing than learning and growing. The wise ones take from it what they can and seek knowledge pertinent to them in the wider world of books in libraries and yes, the world wide web.

Teens truly prepared for life have learned that bowing to peer pressure makes you weak, and that worrying about being accepted by others is really kind of creepy. They know that a peer is an equal, often in ignorance, so they listen to the ones who know what they’re talking about. And they take responsibility for setting straight a friend about to go off the tracks of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Educated teens know that fashion statements are shallow; style statements are deep. They know the difference, and they know that MTV and rock stars do not know the difference.

Although the test has not yet been written, certifiably educated teens know how to act. Like an actor, they can pretend they’re glad to see you when they’re not. They can act cooperative when they feel competitive. They can fake being polite when feeling justifiably contemptuous. They know that this is not being hypocritical; it is practicing social survival skills for the real world.

Scarlett O'Hara Was Right

"I'll think about that tomorrow," she said. Her decision was wise. When confronted with problems we cannot solve or situations we cannot comprehend, adopting a state of blissful ignorance is the mind's first line of defense.

The world presents us with such problems and situations every day – the dangerous drivers, the degeneration of popular culture, the deterioration of society's infrastructure, the predatory human beasts that roam the earth in search of victims.

We can choose to be vigilant and involved, or detached and indifferent. The first choice can frustrate and depress; the second can soothe and comfort.

For those who tend to be obsessive, it is a no-brainer. Given a choice between caring too much and going crazy, or not caring enough and staying sane, the survivor, like Scarlett, chooses apathy.

We cannot fault those of our youth who have determined that their legacy of greed, hypocrisy and shortsighted self-interest cannot be overcome. Call their response dumbing down if you will, but don’t call it copping out. One can almost admire the common sense of it.

As for the rest of us, we must carefully weigh the consequences of engagement with no promises. A pragmatist will focus on self-preservation, just as Scarlett did. An idealist will find the spiritual strength to go on hoping for answers.

Scarlett was right about something else. Tomorrow is another day.

Civilized Vs. Uncivilized?

Think back to Viet Nam. Turmoil at home and tragedy abroad. The domino theory. The Embassy roof. Consciencious objectors. Draft exemptions. Kent State. Flags and draft cards burning.

Do you think next time the politicians and generals will be able to decide if a cause is not only just but also winnable?

Sad to say, Iraq is a lost cause. It was from the very beginning. One cannot "win the hearts and minds" of a nation, especially one as culturally retarded as Iraq.

Flying body parts. What of it? Suicide bombers go to heaven. Boys beating something with a stick, hanging something from a bridge. Human beings reduced to less than nothing.

How many of us believe these things could have happened in America? Or in France, or Mexico, or Brazil.

It is a pity that Iraq’s culture has been damaged by repressive dictatorship and religious fundamentalism. And it is a horror that innocent Iraqis will continue to suffer unimaginably.

But it is impossible to change a culture. The hubris of an adolescent nation drives us to support this myth.

"Clockwork Orange" re-programming might work. But imagine the logistics of brainwashing every soul in Iraq. Or we could set up massive re-education centers as the Red Guard did in China during the Cultural Revolution.

Maybe send in an equal number of Jewish and Christian progressives to talk sense into the Muslim fundamentalists.

Or an equal number of fundamentalists from the other camps; they might all cancel each other out.

But an army of theologians and social scientists would make no difference in Iraq.

Reasons for the hatred and insanity can be enumerated repeatedly. But even if we withdrew support of Israel in favor of Palestine, the hatred and insanity would go on. By now they are inbred.

Many thousands of Americans are dead, and uncounted maimed. With Viet Nam we stopped before we reached 57,000. Add all the the victims of terrorism over the last dozen years, along with the innocent Iraqi civilians, and we’re over that mark already.

Surely it would be wrong to abandon a misbegotten project, as we did in Viet Nam. But it may be time to do the less wrong thing once again.

Buyer Be Aware

There seems to be no good reason why manufacturers shouldn’t warn us about the dangers inherent in misusing their products. It seems like simple civility to remind people not to do stupid things.

Unfortunately, many businesses are not interested in being civilized; they’re only in it for the money. And the main reason they’re slapping on the warning labels is because they’re afraid of more lawsuits.

No one wants to contemplate the perils of boiling coffee in a Styrofoam cup from a drive through window. And a cell phone battery blowing up next to your head might merit legal reprisal.

But suing a ladder company when you fall from the top rung is something else. There is such a thing as an accident. Nobody is at fault. Whether performing surgery or standing on a ladder, you are unavoidably distracted, you make a mistake, someone suffers.

A Libertarian would have it that government has no business spending tax money trying to protect consumers from every conceivable mishap that can befall them.

But radical thinking aside, the biggest danger of the proliferation of warning labels is that we may come to rely unconsciously on the warnings, instead of taking responsibility for own lives. Common sense erodes when we don’t have to use it. To put it another way, when a society acts parental, its citizens act like children.

Although it is as difficult as any homework, there are ways to make educated choices — through the web, consumer reports, research, study, reading the chain saw instruction manual.

Whether it be ladders, cell phones, drive through coffee, doctors, stockbrokers or politicians, we must make it our business to be informed, to expect the occasional unhappy accident, and to accept the consequences of our own mistakes.

Caveat emptor.

Family Values For One

There is an invisible minority in our society. Oppressed by morons with hateful fears and delusions of superiority, this overlooked underclass is single people.

Much of the prejudice is institutionalized and therefore incomprehensible. For example, those in power have come up with the misnomer "The Marriage Penalty."

According to the Congressional Budget Office, more than 20 million married couples pay higher taxes than they would if they were single. But 25 million couples have lower taxes because they are married, so it really ought to be called "The Marriage Bonus."

The young urban professionals with double income and no kids are probably paying the penalty. Fortunately, couples being driven mad by children and crushing mortgage interest payments probably aren’t paying the marriage penalty — at least on their taxes.

In the eyes of the family values crowd, single parents are almost as worthless as single non-parents. Single fathers encounter the most insidious prejudice. I know a man who had a hard time getting the insurance company to pay a claim on his daughter. When he finally spoke to a human, she told him that the company had repeatedly denied his claim because he could not possibly have custody.

One step lower in the moral pecking order are unmarried couples, only slightly more sinful than divorced ones. Even people in committed relationships far healthier than typical marriages are prohibited from having family values by those who talk the most about them.

At the very bottom of the singles underclass are gay people, where the family values preachers intend to keep them permanently with bans on marriage and adoption.

None of this is fair, of course, but those who will continue to suffer the most from bigotry are singles. In our culture, anyone not part of a "traditional family" is automatically a second-class citizen.

But we are now the majority, and it seems a minority with unwarranted influence has been doing all the talking.

Discounting Carbs

The next time I hear the word "carb" I promise I will hurl, or at least make convincing retching noises.

Another craze has hit America, and Americans are, as usual, running sheep-like in pursuit.

To change metaphors, people have gone overboard again, like rats deserting common sense. A carbohydrate is a substance found in food. The other main ones are fat and protein. We need all three to thrive.

If you are overweight, eat less and eat slowly. That’s all there is to it. Forget about the South Beach diet and the Adkins diet and the Weight Watchers diet. No need to count anything. Just stop taking such big piggy helpings, chew slowly and savor the food, and when you feel full stop eating. If you exercise more, the weight comes off faster.

If you cannot do these things, seek psychiatric and spiritual counseling to figure out why you eat too much and too fast and exercise too little.

If this doesn’t work, you can avail yourself of a miraculous medical procedure. But you’ll still have to figure out why you eat too much and too fast and exercise too little. In my case it was because I am greedy and lazy.

If you are not overweight, eat a wider variety of things (sushi, chopped liver, collard greens), chew slowly and savor the food, and when you feel full stop eating. And exercise.

If you are not overweight and are already doing all of these sensible things, many people will hate you.

The Lost Gospel

An astonishing document has recently surfaced after a tortuous search through the catacombs of an obscure American library. Found in a very old manila file folder, the document is supposedly the work of a female disciple who was apparently omitted from the original list of saints — which it is surmised was for reasons that could only be attributed to political correctness in a patriarchal time.

By all available evidence, the Gospel According to Mandy, as it is called by its as yet anonymous discoverer, appears to be authentic — although it has not yet been submitted to experts for study and validation.

Formally titled The Gospel According to Mary Magdalene, the manuscript clarifies several theological points, including what Jesus really meant when He told his disciples to be fishers of men. Surprisingly, it was not what many evangelicals think. According to Mary Magdalene — called Mandy by the other disciples, hence the popular nomenclature — militant proselytizing was not what Jesus had in mind.

The work neatly fills in the gaps left by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. For example, The Sermon in the Alley — which is purported to have been delivered by Jesus immediately after His confrontation with the money changers in the temple — sheds new light on His take on big business.

The book also amplifies Jesus’ meaning when He instructs us to render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s. It is now clear that He was talking about taxes, not blind loyalty to narrow definitions of patriotism and sedition.

The Gospel sheds no light on the concepts of the Trinity, the Virgin Birth, or the Immaculate Conception, but it does make a clear and compelling case for separation of religion and government in Saint Mandy’s recounting of "The Miracle of The Efficient Bureaucrats."

As for the church, Jesus warns of the dangers inherent in the concept of mass public worship in "The Parable of The Silly Hat People."

Perhaps the most telling revelation of the book is that Mandy’s list of those suffered in the original Beatitudes had been drastically edited by church leaders down through the ages. In Chapter 7, verse 14, Jesus was supposed to have said, "Blessed are the gay, for they shall make the theme parties in heaven more fun."